How To Have Boundaries Through The Holidays

There are some people that look forward to the holidays and find it to be the most wonderful time of the year but there are many others that dread the holidays. If you are one of those who do not think the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, you are not alone. Although, it can feel that way with all the commercials and pressure to make everything perfect. You may have past trauma related to the holidays and this time of the year is triggering, you might have lost someone close to you so the holidays trigger grief, you may not have the same beliefs, or there is just too much pressure to do everything and make everything special. Whatever the reason, you are not alone in feeling this way and your feelings are valid. 

So the question is, what do you do about this?

One big thing is boundaries. Boundaries are the lines and limits you create between yourself and others. 

The basic steps for setting boundaries are: Define where you want the boundary to be. Communicate the boundary. Follow through with the boundary. Sounds easy, but it’s not because you are dealing with your emotions, other people’s emotions, and breaking old habits and patterns.

Define where you want the boundary to be. Where your boundaries should be is a very personal decision. Because every person and situation is different, everyone’s boundaries are different. Some examples you could have as boundaries is picking and choosing the social gatherings you attend instead of just automatically saying ‘yes’ to every single one. You don’t owe anyone an immediate answer or the answer ‘yes’. Take your time to decide if this is really an event you want to attend and then if you do, fully commit without resentment. Another example is going but leaving early or when you are ready instead of staying until the end or if someone crosses a different boundary. Say, you are an introvert and instead of feeling like you have to stay until the end, leave when you are done socializing or if you are around people drinking and that makes you uncomfortable, leave before anyone gets drunk. Or if you know a specific topic such as politics will cause conflict, decide to leave if that topic gets brought up. These are just a few common examples and are far from all of the boundaries you could possibly have during the holidays. But having a plan beforehand can be really helpful for your ability to follow through with the boundary. 

Communicate the boundary. For a majority of situations, communicate your boundaries. If you don’t communicate your boundaries, how are the other people involved supposed to know what your boundaries are. There are situations where no explanation is needed. It is also up to you how much information you give. If you decline an invitation, you don’t have to give a reason. But if you are leaving a function because someone brought up politics, it could be helpful to communicate. Also, if you don’t communicate your boundaries, your reaction to your boundaries being crossed could be seen as an overreaction to others and as if it came out of nowhere.

Follow through with the boundary. This is likely the most difficult step. Our emotions get involved and we might not want to hurt someone else’s feelings. It is the most active stage in the process and therefore, the hardest. Just because you have established the boundary and communicated it, doesn’t automatically mean people will respect it. You cannot control people, therefore, it is up to you to enforce it by following through on what you said that you were or weren’t going to do. If you said that you were going to leave if politics was brought up and it gets brought up, leave. If you declined an invitation and someone tries to guilt trip you into going, hold firm on your original answer. It is hard to change our patterns and habits, so be kind to yourself if you struggle with this step.

Boundaries are hard, especially if you are new to setting them. It is always helpful to have someone such as a therapist guide you. There’s a saying “people go to therapy to deal with the people around them who won’t.” I think this is especially true around the holidays. Don’t hesitate to reach out for extra support during what might be a difficult time of the year.

What Am I Like As A Therapist?

Some words that have been used to describe me as a therapist are authentic, collaborative, laid-back, honest, straightforward, understanding, empathetic, and humorous/sarcastic. If these are words that you would want to describe your therapist, keep reading.

The first session is a get to know you session. I’ll try my best to get to know you as a person and try to understand your situation. I also understand that some things take time to open up about and will not force you to talk about something that you are not comfortable talking about. I understand that this is the first session and trust takes time to build. I’ll also provide you the opportunity to ask any questions you have for me, regarding my therapeutic approach or treatment.

Therapy with me is collaborative, which means we will come up with the treatment plan goals together. I don’t want you to be wanting to work on one thing and I have a completely different idea in mind. Therapy would not be successful and you would not find it helpful if we do not work together. Because of the collaborative nature, if you are ever unhappy with your sessions or treatment, please bring it up to me and we can discuss what you dislike and are wanting from therapy.

I consider myself a laid-back therapist, meaning I let you lead the session. You can talk about whatever you want, whatever is on your mind. My reasoning behind this is if you have something on your mind and I come to session with a specific agenda that is different from what you want to talk about, you are not going to pay attention to me, you are going to be focusing on what you want to talk about. If you are struggling to come up with things to talk about, I have no problem asking questions to guide the conversation. There are no right or wrong topics or things to talk about. There’s not one size fits all to therapy. I also understand that you may need different things from your therapist from session to session and try to be flexible to accommodate. 

I believe that the therapeutic relationship is the most important thing in positive outcomes from therapy. Because of this, I make it a priority to continuously work on the relationship with all of my clients. I do this through displaying empathy, understanding, being my authentic self with humor, and providing honest, straightforward feedback. I understand that healing, growing, and wanting to become the best versions of ourselves are all extremely difficult things and being a part of someone’s healing and growing journey is not something I take lightly. I am honored to hold that safe space, be that listening ear, celebrate the wins, and everything in between for you. 

My goal for you is that I become someone you trust to confide in and you can appreciate the ways in which therapy can challenge you, heal you, and help you grow in ways you never thought possible. I want you to help you grow and realize the person you’ve always dreamed of becoming. It is possible and you can become that person!