How To Have Boundaries Through The Holidays

There are some people that look forward to the holidays and find it to be the most wonderful time of the year but there are many others that dread the holidays. If you are one of those who do not think the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, you are not alone. Although, it can feel that way with all the commercials and pressure to make everything perfect. You may have past trauma related to the holidays and this time of the year is triggering, you might have lost someone close to you so the holidays trigger grief, you may not have the same beliefs, or there is just too much pressure to do everything and make everything special. Whatever the reason, you are not alone in feeling this way and your feelings are valid. 

So the question is, what do you do about this?

One big thing is boundaries. Boundaries are the lines and limits you create between yourself and others. 

The basic steps for setting boundaries are: Define where you want the boundary to be. Communicate the boundary. Follow through with the boundary. Sounds easy, but it’s not because you are dealing with your emotions, other people’s emotions, and breaking old habits and patterns.

Define where you want the boundary to be. Where your boundaries should be is a very personal decision. Because every person and situation is different, everyone’s boundaries are different. Some examples you could have as boundaries is picking and choosing the social gatherings you attend instead of just automatically saying ‘yes’ to every single one. You don’t owe anyone an immediate answer or the answer ‘yes’. Take your time to decide if this is really an event you want to attend and then if you do, fully commit without resentment. Another example is going but leaving early or when you are ready instead of staying until the end or if someone crosses a different boundary. Say, you are an introvert and instead of feeling like you have to stay until the end, leave when you are done socializing or if you are around people drinking and that makes you uncomfortable, leave before anyone gets drunk. Or if you know a specific topic such as politics will cause conflict, decide to leave if that topic gets brought up. These are just a few common examples and are far from all of the boundaries you could possibly have during the holidays. But having a plan beforehand can be really helpful for your ability to follow through with the boundary. 

Communicate the boundary. For a majority of situations, communicate your boundaries. If you don’t communicate your boundaries, how are the other people involved supposed to know what your boundaries are. There are situations where no explanation is needed. It is also up to you how much information you give. If you decline an invitation, you don’t have to give a reason. But if you are leaving a function because someone brought up politics, it could be helpful to communicate. Also, if you don’t communicate your boundaries, your reaction to your boundaries being crossed could be seen as an overreaction to others and as if it came out of nowhere.

Follow through with the boundary. This is likely the most difficult step. Our emotions get involved and we might not want to hurt someone else’s feelings. It is the most active stage in the process and therefore, the hardest. Just because you have established the boundary and communicated it, doesn’t automatically mean people will respect it. You cannot control people, therefore, it is up to you to enforce it by following through on what you said that you were or weren’t going to do. If you said that you were going to leave if politics was brought up and it gets brought up, leave. If you declined an invitation and someone tries to guilt trip you into going, hold firm on your original answer. It is hard to change our patterns and habits, so be kind to yourself if you struggle with this step.

Boundaries are hard, especially if you are new to setting them. It is always helpful to have someone such as a therapist guide you. There’s a saying “people go to therapy to deal with the people around them who won’t.” I think this is especially true around the holidays. Don’t hesitate to reach out for extra support during what might be a difficult time of the year.