Everything You Need to Know About Couples Therapy

What is couples therapy? 

There are some similarities between couples therapy and traditional talk therapy, such as the ultimate goals being to relieve people’s distress and improve their functioning in an important sphere of life. But unlike other forms of therapy, there are typically three parties in the room in addition to the therapist. There is each of the partners in the couple, and there is the relationship itself. In a very dynamic high-wire act, the couple's therapist impartially balances the needs and interests of all three. Meaning the therapist’s “client” in this case is the relationship, not a person. This means that the therapist doesn’t take “sides” between partners but has a neutral stance in session and offers guidance in ways that are best for the relationship, not a particular partner. 

The couple therapists help romantic partners improve communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen their relationship by providing a neutral space to address issues like disconnection, infidelity, or stress. It teaches skills for healthier interactions, understanding each other's perspectives, and finding constructive solutions, applicable to any stage or marital status, whether for major crises or preventative "tune-ups". 

What can you work on in couples therapy? 

There are many issues, problems, or concerns that can be addressed in couples therapy. The list can go on and on and can be as unique as every couple. But here are some common issues and struggles that couples come to therapy for.  

Communication breakdowns where couples struggle feeling understood and connected with each other. It is very easy to get into unhealthy and problematic communication patterns. Couples therapy can help couples learn new skills and how to talk and listen more effectively. 

Recurring conflicts where couples struggle with having the “same” argument over and over. It is not uncommon for couples to have conflict patterns that are repetitive and problematic. Couples therapy can help couples understand their conflict patterns, break them, and create new, healthier ways of disagreeing. 

 Infidelity is another common reason that couples come to therapy. When one person cheats, the other is likely to feel betrayed and hurt. But an affair doesn't have to spell the end of a relationship, provided both people want to improve the situation. Couples therapy can help heal the relationship and rebuild the broken trust after an affair. 

Intimacy issues are another thing that can be worked on couples therapy. Working on both or either emotional and/or sexual intimacy. These issues can impact the quality of the relationship as a whole and can sometimes be difficult to talk about. We sometimes struggle with shame or struggle finding the right words. Having a trained professional help remove judgement and guide healing conversations. 

External stressors, such as financial problems, parenting, or health issues can be addressed in couples therapy. Money can be a source of stress and conflict for many couples. One partner might want to save while the other partner likes to spend or might not have the same financial goals. Our views and beliefs can go back to childhood and how our parents taught us about money. Relationship counseling can help couples gain understanding of the other’s perspective and come to a compromise. Disagreeing on parenting issues can cause issues within a relationship as well. Couples therapy can help couples communicate their perspective clearly and understand their partner's perspective as well. When a partner gets a diagnosis of a physical or mental health condition, it can strain an otherwise healthy relationship. One person might take on the responsibility of caring for their sick partner. Meanwhile, the partner with the illness might feel like they've become a burden. The sick person could be an outside-related person, such as parent, and the added stress could impact the relationship. Couples counseling can help couples who are dealing with ill health find a path forward. 

When couples decide to start a family, it can add stress to the relationship. Deciding to have a child with another person is a milestone that brings many other choices. If infertility is an issue, you might need to decide how you'll have the child, such as whether you'll go through IVF, work with a surrogate or adopt. You'll also have to agree on how to raise the child. Couples counseling can help guide these conversations, so they happen effectively and with empathy. 

Feeling disconnected from your partners. Couples therapy can help re-establish emotional closeness. It can help couples who wish to strengthen their bond and reconnect. You don't need to be struggling to benefit from couples therapy. Sometimes every day stress takes priority over the relationship, and you just want to feel renewed in your relationship. It can be helpful to work on some communication skills in order to nip small, minor issues in the bud before they become issues that cannot be overcome.  

Can you work on more than one issue in couples therapy? Of course! You can work on more than one struggle or issue. You and your partner can work with your therapist to come up with a treatment plan that aligns with your personal and relational goals. 

Benefits of Couples Therapy 

Restoring affection is a benefit and outcome of couples therapy. Feeling more affection towards your partner and receiving more affection from your partner when there has been a decrease in affection is a benefit. When you work through your struggles, you feel more connected to your partner, and you can learn ways to show each other affection. 

Building respect is a wonderful benefit of couples therapy. Couples therapy teaches you how to communicate respect. 

Increasing intimacy is another benefit. Whether you are working specifically on intimacy or another issue, increased intimacy can be an indirect outcome. 

Rebuilding trust after a trust breaking incident such as infidelity is a benefit of couples therapy. It can be helpful to have a professional help a couple navigate the intense emotions of a trust breaking incident and couples therapy can help restore trust.  

Helps you work through life's challenges: Even the happiest couples will face challenges in life, such as infertility, mental health concerns, traumatic events, and financial issues. A therapist can guide you through these obstacles, helping you develop the skills to work past them. 

Creates a safe space: Every time you and your partner attend a couples therapy session, you enter a safe haven. You know that everything you share with the counselor will be held in confidence. You also can rest assured that the therapist will remain neutral during the session and won't side with one partner or the other. Both people will have a chance to express themselves during the session. 

Builds understanding and empathy in your relationship: Going to couples therapy can help you understand your partner better. Over several counseling sessions, you might gain a new perspective on their world. Likewise, your partner can develop a better understanding of your thoughts and experiences. 

Helps you resolve conflicts: Conflict is part of life. Knowing how to work through and solve disagreements is another secret to a sustainable and fulfilling relationship. Resentment can build when you and your partner struggle to move past issues or if you decide to sweep concerns under the rug. Your therapist can help you develop conflict resolution skills you can use during your sessions and later in life 

Improves communication skills: Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, but not everyone knows how to express their thoughts and feelings appropriately. Working with a counselor, you and your partner can learn how to share your concerns and emotions effectively. Some of the skills include learning how to communicate effectively, active listening skills, and how to disagree healthily.  

There could be many other benefits, but these are just some of the common benefits. 

What is a couples counseling session like? 

Most couples therapy is conducted conjointly, meaning with both partners present in sessions. Seeing or contacting one member of the couple separately is occasionally warranted but mostly done to gain information important to the relationship and with the permission of the other. The therapist is likely to ask many questions, including some about each partner’s family of origin and some that challenge an individual’s beliefs or perspective.  

Couples' therapists do not take sides in disputes, but they may call out individual behaviors that contribute to joint problems. This is called neutral facilitation. The therapist will guide discussion and ensure that both partners feel heard and understood. Relational science has firmly established that both partners play a role in most couple problems. 

The content of the session might vary but could include skill building, such as where the partners learn strategies like fair fighting, “I” statements, emotion regulation, and empathy; identifying patterns, such as uncovering deeper issues and dysfunctional interaction patterns that fuel conflict; or uncovering values and beliefs that impact behaviors and emotions. 

Types of Couples Therapy 

The Gottman Method: It was developed by psychologists John Gottman and his wife Julie Gottman, and is therapy emphasizes the outsize power of negative emotion to harm a relationship, the importance of frequent bids for connection or response, the vital need for repairing the damage done by missing those bids, and the value of sharing their inner worlds. Partners learn how to express affection and respect as a means of building closeness and make “love maps'' reflecting their partner’s psychological world. 

Emotion-Focused Therapy regards the restoration of a distressed couple’s physical and emotional bond as the best lever for change in the relationship. Drawing on attachment theory, the therapist encourages partners to access and express what lies under their anger or alienation. That disclosure of vulnerability becomes a powerful means for stirring the responsiveness of a partner. With contact restored, couples have a renewable source of mutual comfort, allowing them to jointly solve whatever problems they face. 

Imago Relationship Therapy has as its theme “getting the love you want.” Its goal is to enable partners to fulfill the ideal of love they developed early in life through attachment to caregivers. Partners take turns listening and speaking; repeating or mirroring what the other says to demonstrate understanding; validating their partner’s perspective; and tapping into their feelings. 

There are other methods or types of couples therapy, those are just a few popular and some couples therapists use a blend of multiple theories.

Some takeaways are that couples therapy; it’s not just for crises but can be used to maintain or build on a healthy relationship, not just fix a broken one. It requires commitment as best results come when both partners are invested in making changes.  

*This is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment. Please consult your practitioner for treatment planning.